Time's marchin' on....

Whoops haven't had time to post in a while, first I had the appointment at the hospital on Thursday then I went up to Suffolk on Friday to break the news to my wonderful Nan, I can tell you now that going to the hospital was a piece of cake compared to having to tell my Nanna that I'm ill.

The hospital appointment wasn't that bad really, I had to do some swabs which was weird- I had to sick extra long sticky buds up my nose and under my armpit so they can check that I'm not going into hospital next week with any 'bugs' (what if some jump on me between now & then?!) Then they did blood pressure and weight etc, then a doctor checked my heart and breathing. Next I took part in some research, by giving some blood, to look at the possible genetic causes of breast cancer- only thing was that the nurse couldn't find a decent vein so she pricked me 3 times then decided she couldn't do it so I had to have a technician do it instead. I have some amazing bruises to show for it. At the same time they took blood for testing for all the other stuff they have to do before an operation. Then we met with Rachel and she spoke to Sam for me about the operation because he's a bit worried, she told him I'd probably be gone from the ward for about 5 or 6 hours but the actual op' would only be about 3 or 4 (that's ok then!!!! not) A Nurse from the ward then came down to meet us and fill out some forms, she was really lovely, all the people I've met have been nice actually which is such a blessing.

I was much more nervous and worried about seeing Nan. I don't know how I managed to stay in my seat on the way up on the train. I've noticed that whenever I have to talk about this to someone I love I start shaking (teeth chattering and everything!) I'm so glad I told her face to face though so she could see that I'm not falling apart.

So now it's all out in the open at last. In a kind of selfish way I'm relieved ..... something else to feel guilty about.

Love
Jen x

All systems go?

I've got a long appointment at Guy's tomorrow so they can check me out pre- operation. Don't know if they will be able to tell me anything new or what, but the nurse (Rachel) told me to expect to be there for 3 or 4 hours (so I'll expect to be there all day!)

Also have worked out that I'm going to visit Nanna on Friday to break the news to her face to face, so hopefully it'll be a bit easier on her. I want her to see for herself what I already know, that I feel ok and that I'm dealing with it ok. I hope to take away a tiny bit of her worry anyway.

Got a new strategy for dealing with my cat, she's now confined to the bathroom so there is nowhere comfortable for her to go to the loo except her litter tray. I feel I've already got enough sh** to deal with thanks very much!

Love
Jen x

Feeling better

Sorry about whinging earlier, just wanted to say I feel better now. Have sorted out a few things and don't feel so down now.

Cat still prefers the carpet though......

Love
Jen x

Depressed

Steve said the other day that I was too cheerful and that it would hit me at some point & well he was right because here it is. I don't feel sorry for myself or anything, it just feels as if I'm hurting the people I care about the most- which of course I am.

I know nobody blames me, of course, it's just the way I think. It's easy to be rational when you haven't just been told you've got cancer.

Sam told me at the weekend that he is really worried about the operation and the anesthetic in particular. What I couldn't tell him is that that is exactly what I'm worried about- not having my boobs removed, not the chemo' just getting through Febuary 8th 2005.

Anyway I'm just FED UP!. My hot water pump has stopped working, & my lights are still broken and all I have to do is phone the housing assosiation but I can't be bothered. Also the kitten doesn't know how to use her litter tray! Nice....

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow
Love
Jen x

Here we go then...

It seems the Doctor was correct. Found out today that he was 97% certain after the mammogram and ultrasound. I think I was always more certain than he was.

Life's a series of strange situations when you consider it isn't it. It's really weird when I look back to watching my Mum ill to think that I'd have to ever face something similar without her about. But you know what? I think it'll be fine, everyone is being wonderful. I've just got to learn how to accept help when offered, some people seem to have a gift at making it incredibly easy for me to say "yes please" (Nadine & Kathy I'm talking to you especially also Pat and Tina)

My Dad has just been on the phone to me again and said something along the lines of that he "can't believe what is happening and that it must have been one of the worst days of my entire life" and I said "no Dad it isn't but telling you about the cancer tonight would have to be in the top two"

I promise you in a lot of ways IT IS WORSE FOR YOU THAN ME!!

Anyway I'm so tired I don't even know if any of that makes even the slightest iota of sense, so I'll be back tomorrow to try again. Sorry!

It might not have been the best day in the world but yes I've had worse.

Love
Jen x

It's me again

Well it's the night before I will get my biopsy results- but of course if that isn't enough to think about, I'm now worrying in case the results are inconclusive which would mean not getting any answers and having to have even more tests.

I need to know, my head has been swirling with so many 'what ifs' for so long that it is now getting a bit old even for me! What must I have been putting my friends and my brother through?!

To my brother, Nadine, Pat, Karen, Dale, Ian & Chris and all my friends at Church; I'm sorry but thank you darlings x

"Do I look bothered?" ^-^

More tomorrow...........

Love
Jen x

Feeling guilty

I thought I'd write today about how guilty I'm feeling about not having told most of my family about what's been going on. I've had to be really cagey and false with the people I love most since finding this lump on the weekend before Christmas- and I can tell you that has been one of the hardest things to bear (on some levels)

I've found it very difficult to reconcile myself to the fact that I may have to put you all through the 'cancer thing' again so soon after losing Mum, so that has been my motivation- the Doc could be talking a load of rubbish, so what would be the point of causing you all to suffer the uncertainty with me?

I've considered not even sharing the news if it is confirmed on Tuesday, but have kind of decided that Nanna might notice if I have to stay in hospital or if I lose my hair during chemo'. I bet she'll tell me off when she does find out how long I've kept it from her, hopefully I'll be able to make her understand. Lets hope and pray it's good news.... that'll soften her up.

Love
Jen x

What's it all about?

Hello

As you can see this is my first post! The idea of this blog is so my Family and friends can check up to see how I'm getting on - that is unless the Doctor who told me last Wednesday that he thinks I have a potentially life threatening illness is wrong, if so it will no doubt become redundant, just another good idea gone to waste (I seriously wouldn't have too much of a problem with that though!)

When I lost my best friend and Mother at the end of 2003 I thought that would be the end of my association with Breast cancer, yet here I am 15 months later, having found a lump in my breast, having to visit the exact same hospital that she did and even being diagnosed (possibly) by the very Doctor who gave my Mum the bad news 16 years ago. Life's a bitch isn't it?

I can, at least, say now for certain that it definitely is more difficult for relatives and friends when someone they love is going through a difficult illness, I always thought so but now having been on both sides of the equation I know it for sure.

Whatever happens I know I'll be alright because I have great Faith, God won't abandon me, He'll give me the strength and courage I need, He always does.

Love
Jen x