Here we are then

Maybe now's not the best time for me to be posting this a. because it's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning as I start typing and b. because I'm feeling a little bit weepy at the moment. But hey that's me, life on the edge ;-/, so what the heck.

Had a surprisingly good Christmas actually. Surprising because really it's only now that I'm having a few tears about my dear Mum not being here with us; the previous 3 years it's happened much sooner in the celebrations, this is not making me feel good though, this is making me feel even more wretched. What am I forgetting about her or something? (No never) Think it's because I've managed to have my first Christmas this year that wasn't the same as usual therefore didn't hurt quite so much, we didn't spend it the same way we would have when she was alive (while desperately trying to pretend to all and sundry that everything's ok) Unfortunately couldn't get up to see Nanna and the Suffolk family this year as I'm still recovering from the operation- and trying not to overdo it too much.

So instead spent my first Christmas day for about 25 years with my Dad! and with my 'sort of' step mum, and Sam and I met my 'sort of' step sister shelly for the first time, goodness knows why we haven't met before! she is lovely! She's the same age as me (although looks about 100 years younger) and is a single parent with a son the same age as Sam! No chance we'll get along at all then!

Today has been another rest day as Sam's been off at his Dad's and I guess I've just had too much time for reflection, hence the dampness surrounding my eyes at the moment. Christmas is like that isn't it, it brings out all the regrets and shoves them up close and personal for you to scrutinise (or is that just me? answers on a postcard please) Also it makes me feel more lonely than ever- no one's ever going to be interested in me again... no boobs..... MS...... cancer.... good catch ain't I.

One thing that has touched me today though is the news that one of my very bestist online buddies, who I 'met' a few months ago through the breast cancer Internet support group I belong to, has been brave enough to go out for the day without a wig on. This may not seem like such a big deal to those of you who haven't had the experience of losing your hair through Chemotherapy, but believe me it's an important milestone in the whole cancer experience. It's the start of the real recovery, of accepting that you may be getting better; that it just might be possible. She won't accept that this was a brave thing to do, but I for one am very proud of her. (She probably did it so I'd stop calling her 'Slap head' but love, no chance- you know me better than that!)

I am so grateful to the Internet for enabling me to get to know so many other women with breast cancer, they support and encourage me, and hopefully, sometimes, I'm able to return the favour.

Maybe I need to sleep, that'll do it- I'll curl up under the duvet until my legs stop spasming and dream that all's 'different' then maybe in the morning I'll wake up and think about the things I have still got and not about the stuff I've lost lately......... at least my hairs looking good ;-)

love
Jen x